My therapist suggested a book for me that I found incredibly informative in explaining; first and foremost, why I never thought as a man - and secondly, why men are the way they are - and third, why there is so much toxic and hyper masculinity in the world.
"Better Boys, Better Men" by Andrew Reiner gave me the perspective I needed to better understand the men in my life, and why i never thought as one.
We're all on a journey called life. Everyone needs help in navigating who they believe they are.
My first inspiration growing up was aphrodity the Greek godess .for the trans community I feel we should be seen as gender fluidity depending on the day ,we all walk in between both gender ( Reclaim our identity) and fuse them into one
Thank you for taking the time to write this article. It really helped me today. As a late in life MTF 6 months into my transition, I experience this feeling daily. Understanding why, and more importantly, a pragmatic approach to change this feeling is wonderfully liberating! I cannot thank you enough. Time to get out and practice! ❤️
I, too, am much later in life to start down this road versus many in the trans community. It's hard. I hope that our younger trans brothers and sisters have an easier time re-training their brains, and I hope that the lucky ones who get to socially transition pre-puberty, and get to hormonally transition at the same time as their cis peers go through puberty, never have to re-train their brains at all.
Completely agree with your conclusion. Existentialism and identity construction were pet topics of mine, trying to sort out why, even though I lived and presented as a man, I never felt connected to it. Personally, I barely considered myself human let alone “male”. Anyway, the lessons I learned along the way were that our sense of self is the result of process more than any static or kernel of truth. You’re exactly right that we’ve not had the practice of being seen as girls and women so it’s not seamless for us.
The practice should also involve LOTS of affirming group and friend activities. We also see ourselves through the eyes of others, they point out our characteristics that make us “one of them”, allow us to be in their groups. We are social creatures. And as you also say, it takes time.
I think about this as so many of us trans femme lean hard into femininity at the beginning. Even seeing my nails painted, or femme-coded shoes give little visual cues about my own womanhood. We just have to wrap ourselves in affirmation hoping that some of it bleeds into our sense of self over time.
I’m only 6mos into my journey and my sense of womanhood comes and goes - the harder I lean into femme and affirming activities the closer I feel. The more stressed and anxious, and I feel like my old “nothing” self.
"People who understand it in their heads that they're trans women, but who don't feel it in their hearts."
I've never seen a sentence sum up my experience as a cracked egg so directly. Thank you for your articles on this topic. It's been very helpful for me to reflect on.
Honesty at the top: I'm a cis man so I don't know if my comments will be thought relevant or even welcome.
That said, two observations. First, I genuinely think that if someone with who I shared a mutual trust (that is, enough to talk about the topic openly) said to me "I know I’m a trans woman, so why don’t I feel like one?" my immediate response would be "What is it that you think a trans woman is supposed to feel like?" To at some point be followed with "Are you a trans woman?" {"Yes.") :shrug: "Then that's what a trans woman is supposed to feel like. Like you do."
The other is to recall an occasion when a friend was going through an emotional time (on a completely different subject) and at some point I told him (as close as I can quote at this distance of time) that he was dealing with "the terrifying prospect of re-thinking [himself], possibly from scratch."
The point is, feeling disoriented and doubtful during such a time of change is quite normal, quite natural, and my advice is to trust yourself. I suspect your heart already knows whatever path you're on is is the right one, otherwise you wouldn't have started on it. It will just some time to let go of the fear involved in giving up what went before.
I appreciate the sentiments and will always welcome comments from cis allies.
I do have to add, though, that I both agree and disagree with one thing: Yes, it *does* take some time to let go of the fear of giving up what went before. Often a lot of time. But no, I don't think overcoming that fear is related to the emotional internalization of our identities. Rather, overcoming that fear is what we have to do to come out of the closet and start transitioning *at all*. That fear is what keeps us *in* the closet.
You're also right that we know the path we're on is the right one, but that there is fear associated with that path. But I disagree about the nature of that fear. The fear associated with that path is not about giving up our former masculinity or femininity--indeed, I suspect the vast majority of us are *desperate* to give those things up. The fear associated with that path is that it won't work. That we won't be able to distance ourselves far enough from the masculinity or femininity that once plagued us to find the comfort in our own skins that we so desperately need.
I'll note only that the original question was about responding to someone saying "I know I'm a trans woman, so why don't I feel like one," which appeared to me to be a question about creeping self-doubt from the difference between self-knowledge and some lack of gut feeling of self-acceptance. I just wanted to suggest that at times of change, of being on the path, such feelings are entirely normal and need not deter (the generic) you.
https://genderdysphoria.fyi/en/ link to the bible (the one in the article is borked)
Well, that'll teach me to trust my memory. Fixed, thanks!
My therapist suggested a book for me that I found incredibly informative in explaining; first and foremost, why I never thought as a man - and secondly, why men are the way they are - and third, why there is so much toxic and hyper masculinity in the world.
"Better Boys, Better Men" by Andrew Reiner gave me the perspective I needed to better understand the men in my life, and why i never thought as one.
We're all on a journey called life. Everyone needs help in navigating who they believe they are.
All my relations, Willow
My first inspiration growing up was aphrodity the Greek godess .for the trans community I feel we should be seen as gender fluidity depending on the day ,we all walk in between both gender ( Reclaim our identity) and fuse them into one
Thank you for taking the time to write this article. It really helped me today. As a late in life MTF 6 months into my transition, I experience this feeling daily. Understanding why, and more importantly, a pragmatic approach to change this feeling is wonderfully liberating! I cannot thank you enough. Time to get out and practice! ❤️
You're welcome! I'm so glad you found it helpful!
I, too, am much later in life to start down this road versus many in the trans community. It's hard. I hope that our younger trans brothers and sisters have an easier time re-training their brains, and I hope that the lucky ones who get to socially transition pre-puberty, and get to hormonally transition at the same time as their cis peers go through puberty, never have to re-train their brains at all.
https://www.facebook.com/share/p/1UzudTY2Jf/
Awesome post Sonja you say it all in the end practice, practice, practice and be your best self ❤️. Embrace yourself daily.
Completely agree with your conclusion. Existentialism and identity construction were pet topics of mine, trying to sort out why, even though I lived and presented as a man, I never felt connected to it. Personally, I barely considered myself human let alone “male”. Anyway, the lessons I learned along the way were that our sense of self is the result of process more than any static or kernel of truth. You’re exactly right that we’ve not had the practice of being seen as girls and women so it’s not seamless for us.
The practice should also involve LOTS of affirming group and friend activities. We also see ourselves through the eyes of others, they point out our characteristics that make us “one of them”, allow us to be in their groups. We are social creatures. And as you also say, it takes time.
I think about this as so many of us trans femme lean hard into femininity at the beginning. Even seeing my nails painted, or femme-coded shoes give little visual cues about my own womanhood. We just have to wrap ourselves in affirmation hoping that some of it bleeds into our sense of self over time.
I’m only 6mos into my journey and my sense of womanhood comes and goes - the harder I lean into femme and affirming activities the closer I feel. The more stressed and anxious, and I feel like my old “nothing” self.
"People who understand it in their heads that they're trans women, but who don't feel it in their hearts."
I've never seen a sentence sum up my experience as a cracked egg so directly. Thank you for your articles on this topic. It's been very helpful for me to reflect on.
Honesty at the top: I'm a cis man so I don't know if my comments will be thought relevant or even welcome.
That said, two observations. First, I genuinely think that if someone with who I shared a mutual trust (that is, enough to talk about the topic openly) said to me "I know I’m a trans woman, so why don’t I feel like one?" my immediate response would be "What is it that you think a trans woman is supposed to feel like?" To at some point be followed with "Are you a trans woman?" {"Yes.") :shrug: "Then that's what a trans woman is supposed to feel like. Like you do."
The other is to recall an occasion when a friend was going through an emotional time (on a completely different subject) and at some point I told him (as close as I can quote at this distance of time) that he was dealing with "the terrifying prospect of re-thinking [himself], possibly from scratch."
The point is, feeling disoriented and doubtful during such a time of change is quite normal, quite natural, and my advice is to trust yourself. I suspect your heart already knows whatever path you're on is is the right one, otherwise you wouldn't have started on it. It will just some time to let go of the fear involved in giving up what went before.
I appreciate the sentiments and will always welcome comments from cis allies.
I do have to add, though, that I both agree and disagree with one thing: Yes, it *does* take some time to let go of the fear of giving up what went before. Often a lot of time. But no, I don't think overcoming that fear is related to the emotional internalization of our identities. Rather, overcoming that fear is what we have to do to come out of the closet and start transitioning *at all*. That fear is what keeps us *in* the closet.
You're also right that we know the path we're on is the right one, but that there is fear associated with that path. But I disagree about the nature of that fear. The fear associated with that path is not about giving up our former masculinity or femininity--indeed, I suspect the vast majority of us are *desperate* to give those things up. The fear associated with that path is that it won't work. That we won't be able to distance ourselves far enough from the masculinity or femininity that once plagued us to find the comfort in our own skins that we so desperately need.
I'll note only that the original question was about responding to someone saying "I know I'm a trans woman, so why don't I feel like one," which appeared to me to be a question about creeping self-doubt from the difference between self-knowledge and some lack of gut feeling of self-acceptance. I just wanted to suggest that at times of change, of being on the path, such feelings are entirely normal and need not deter (the generic) you.