People who were not kept from being themselves will always have a hard time understanding what it's worth - how much you're willing to sacrifice for it. Transitioning must look insane from the outside not having experienced the horrors of gender suppression.
Ironically cis people all get it when they imagine "the horror" of a cis kid "accidentally" transitioning - but they are happy to force us into that experience until we break free.
This tracks. I dont think that many understand what years and years of internalized self oppression and suppression has effect wise on the human psyche.
Love this article. I, and I suspect most or all trans women, before hatching, suffer enormous pain trying and failing to live life as a male. It really really sucks.
I think it's safe to say I, older, would have gladly taken on this additional price you speak of for younger people, to have had those lost years back, that they will get to have.
I knew from age 3. I gathered the cost of suffering then and gained only lost time for, as you say...some suspect benefit that never was.
So...
To do a bit of pushback to the pushback.
To argue against comparisons of "worse" and "better", or "more" or "less".
Very much. That reminds me of something ErinInTheMorning wrote on twitter once:
Trans femmes were never “socialized male,” and do not have “male privilege.” My socialization was bullying and mass societal abuse of the core of my being. I was socialized “terrified,” and my privilege was to “hide myself until I die.”
I never really knew there were others who experienced the fear of failing to pretend to be a guy. I tried so hard for 40 years. I didn't even know about trans issues or people for most of it. I just assumed I was bad at being a guy and had to work harder.
Of course I get it now. I just wish I could have been exposed to trans issues earlier in life and not from a conservative bigoted perspective.
Yeah. I, too, often wonder how my life would be different if I'd had any proper awareness about trans issues at a younger age. So many of us were simply not able to understand ourselves because we didn't have access to the right concepts for doing it. Maybe I should do a post about that sometime...
Beautiful article, thank you for writing. Unfortunately, I've wondered a few things myself. Please don't take women's views like these too harshly 🤍. After self reflection years ago, I realized I was just mad at the perceived loss of childhood that comes with being a woman, and was secretly jealous that boys got to experience childhood as boys. (Don't get me wrong, I fought fervently against sexism which is why everyone thought I was fine.) Secretly however, I would have traded my girlhood for boyhood who, my boomer parents claimed, could go outside by themselves, “not be a burden of needed to be watched all the time” i.e. prime kidnapping target, and go on vacation to other places (we were just poor, they just started blaming everything on my gender, an easy out).
I think a lot of us, me included, have wished they could experienced american boyhood: or as I call it, childhood with “default fear”. Stepping outside, travelling, standing up for myself against men (or anyone 2x, 3x, 4x bigger) without fear of physical retaliation, has literally been trained out of me and I struggle everyday to be a functioning adult because of how terrible they stressed womanhood to be in every aspect. When I find joy as a woman, it's beautiful and rare, raw energy, that I built, without support from any woman, mothers included.
Please don't take hateful comments to heart 🤍 My trauma-dumping means nothing if people don't understand that terrible, bigoted comments are really just people crying for community, or mourning the loss of childhood freedom we never got the chance to experience.
Entirely NOT your fault, apathy has always been high in women and girls as we struggle not to define ourselves as prey. I believe that is why so many women paint a target on anothers’ back, including the “new girls”.
Im so sorry if you have faced cruel interactions, and am terribly sorry for the legislation changes. Please understand the average woman with a brain has never hated you or any Trans individuals. We have been politically weaponized in a way where no one can see us, unless they want to speak over us on the topic of our safety 🤍. We don’t hate you, anymore than Americans “hate” Canadians: not at all, just politically weaponized in the media right now.
As for the obtuse comments, You really wrote a beautiful article to demonstrate what that is like from the other point of view. Will be showing to my friends if anything like this ever comes up in conversation. 🤍
Ok. Though in thinking about how to respond to your comment, I realized that there's a lack of clarity in what you're saying. As in, I don't know how to accurately interpret your comment. Notably, the words "decide" and "have" are fairly ambiguous in what they mean in this context.
Do I interpret your comment as meaning that you believe trans women possess a capability of choosing whether or not society bestows the benefits of privilege on them? If so, no, I don't agree with that at all. The benefits of privilege, as explained in the article, come from how *other people* treat members of a privileged class. The privileged person themselves is not involved in that; they simply receive whatever benefits they're given.
Do I interpret your comment as meaning that trans women are somehow in a position of controlling how the benefits of male privilege are distributed? That is, who gets them and who doesn't? I don't *think* this is what you're saying, but it's a plausible interpretation. Again, I would disagree that trans women have any kind of power over the distribution of male privilege.
Or (as I think is most likely), do I interpret your comment as meaning that you believe trans women can't or shouldn't be the ones to assess whether they receive the benefits of male privilege? If so, I also disagree with that. Firstly, there's nothing stopping anyone--of any gender identity or gender expression--from exercising a little bit of perspective about their lives and assessing whether their experiences in certain situations have been more beneficial than other people's for reasons best explained by privilege. There's nothing special about viewing one's life in that way, and trans women should be as capable of that as anybody else.
Secondly, I'd argue that trans women are the only ones who can actually make this assessment. The dichotomy the article points out is that a) when people assert that "trans women have male privilege" they are inevitably assuming that the *experience* of that privilege is identical to the experience cis men have, while b) the actual experience trans women have is vastly different on account of the dysphoria cost we pay while presenting male.
These are very different experiences, and trans women are the only ones in a position to evaluate this difference because we're the ones who suffer from gender dysphoria *and* sometimes receive the benefits of male privilege. As such, we're the only ones who are in any position to assess how the benefits of male privilege compare with the cost of gender dysphoria. We're the only ones who are able to recognize just exactly how much shittier of a deal male privilege dynamics are for us than for cis men.
Either way, thank you for your comment. It's thought provoking, and I appreciate that. If I have somehow not read the tea leaves correctly on what you were trying to assert, please feel free to rephrase in a less ambiguous way.
This is really well written. I think i disagree with you on the nature of privilege, in that i don't think privilege is ever free. There is always a cost. As a trans man who transitioned into manhood, and has observed my male friends and family members, I believe that every man has to pay a price for their male privilege. Sometimes they don't even realize that they're paying it. If paying a price for the material benefits of boyhood and manhood means it's not privilege, then no cis man has male privilege. In my opinion, at least. But your article revealed to me why I see this miscommunication about privilege between the trans women and the (cis and trans) afab people i know, so that was very useful to me.
All that being said, trans women do obviously lose the vast majority of the material benefits of male privilege when they transition (I think the only exception is the freedom from fear of pregnancy). So it really is a silly argument for people to use to attack trans women.
I really appreciate what you said about the cost trans women have had to pay, regardless of any perceived male privilege. It’s such an important and often overlooked point.
I've often balked at arguments that trans women don't have male privilege before coming out, but this is one of the better arguments I've seen. Framing the question in terms of emotional cost is a really good way of staking out some nuance in a debate that's often framed as a "yes or no" issue. I think we could go deeper here. Negative reinforcement of male gender norms is pervasive in male youth, for cis and trans AMABs alike. A lot of cis boys and men (maybe a minority, but a sizable one) feel conflicted about the social demands and deprivations of masculinity without also wanting to be girls and women, and they should be included, I think, as paying a higher cost for male privilege, albeit not as high of a cost as transfeminine people.
Also, I want to add that although the experience of male privilege is far more riddled with conflict for trans women than for most cis men, that doesn't necessarily prevent us from internalizing patriarchal perspectives from the male point of view. Growing up, we, by definition, identify more strongly with girls and women, but we rarely do so with the same social reinforcement that cis girls get. We remain outsiders, aliens. I often jokingly compare the experience to being raised by wolves. I think we can focus on the pain of this experience at the expense of taking stock of how much of the male point of view we did end up adopting, in spite of ourselves, because it was pretty much the only thing on offer. This isn't our fault, and it's going to vary from person to person, but it is our responsibility to reconcile.
It's also not entirely a bad thing. Trans women can smuggle a lot of virtues into womanhood that cis women are discouraged from cultivating, as well as skills that cis women are often barred from learning. By the act of transition, we re-code these virtues and skills as feminine, transmuting male privilege into female empowerment. And that's pretty neat :)
People who were not kept from being themselves will always have a hard time understanding what it's worth - how much you're willing to sacrifice for it. Transitioning must look insane from the outside not having experienced the horrors of gender suppression.
Ironically cis people all get it when they imagine "the horror" of a cis kid "accidentally" transitioning - but they are happy to force us into that experience until we break free.
This tracks. I dont think that many understand what years and years of internalized self oppression and suppression has effect wise on the human psyche.
Love this article. I, and I suspect most or all trans women, before hatching, suffer enormous pain trying and failing to live life as a male. It really really sucks.
I think it's safe to say I, older, would have gladly taken on this additional price you speak of for younger people, to have had those lost years back, that they will get to have.
I knew from age 3. I gathered the cost of suffering then and gained only lost time for, as you say...some suspect benefit that never was.
So...
To do a bit of pushback to the pushback.
To argue against comparisons of "worse" and "better", or "more" or "less".
Say simply: "different".
In my time, younger, the 60s, transition was a thing very few were able to access. As was simply words or knowledge of what the heck was going on.
I'll repeat a thing I have said before:
I was not socialized as a boy or a man. I was socialized as a closeted trans girl and closeted trans woman.
Until I transitioned. Then I was socialized as a trans woman, or simply, a woman.
Very much. That reminds me of something ErinInTheMorning wrote on twitter once:
Trans femmes were never “socialized male,” and do not have “male privilege.” My socialization was bullying and mass societal abuse of the core of my being. I was socialized “terrified,” and my privilege was to “hide myself until I die.”
That was years ago, and the link (https://twitter.com/ErinInTheMorn/status/1462659618593779718?s=20) doesn't seem to work anymore (thanks, Elon!) but it resonated with me pretty hard at the time so I saved it.
I have that exact same tweet saved in my clip file too! Definitely resonated.
I never really knew there were others who experienced the fear of failing to pretend to be a guy. I tried so hard for 40 years. I didn't even know about trans issues or people for most of it. I just assumed I was bad at being a guy and had to work harder.
Of course I get it now. I just wish I could have been exposed to trans issues earlier in life and not from a conservative bigoted perspective.
Yeah. I, too, often wonder how my life would be different if I'd had any proper awareness about trans issues at a younger age. So many of us were simply not able to understand ourselves because we didn't have access to the right concepts for doing it. Maybe I should do a post about that sometime...
Beautiful article, thank you for writing. Unfortunately, I've wondered a few things myself. Please don't take women's views like these too harshly 🤍. After self reflection years ago, I realized I was just mad at the perceived loss of childhood that comes with being a woman, and was secretly jealous that boys got to experience childhood as boys. (Don't get me wrong, I fought fervently against sexism which is why everyone thought I was fine.) Secretly however, I would have traded my girlhood for boyhood who, my boomer parents claimed, could go outside by themselves, “not be a burden of needed to be watched all the time” i.e. prime kidnapping target, and go on vacation to other places (we were just poor, they just started blaming everything on my gender, an easy out).
I think a lot of us, me included, have wished they could experienced american boyhood: or as I call it, childhood with “default fear”. Stepping outside, travelling, standing up for myself against men (or anyone 2x, 3x, 4x bigger) without fear of physical retaliation, has literally been trained out of me and I struggle everyday to be a functioning adult because of how terrible they stressed womanhood to be in every aspect. When I find joy as a woman, it's beautiful and rare, raw energy, that I built, without support from any woman, mothers included.
Please don't take hateful comments to heart 🤍 My trauma-dumping means nothing if people don't understand that terrible, bigoted comments are really just people crying for community, or mourning the loss of childhood freedom we never got the chance to experience.
Entirely NOT your fault, apathy has always been high in women and girls as we struggle not to define ourselves as prey. I believe that is why so many women paint a target on anothers’ back, including the “new girls”.
Im so sorry if you have faced cruel interactions, and am terribly sorry for the legislation changes. Please understand the average woman with a brain has never hated you or any Trans individuals. We have been politically weaponized in a way where no one can see us, unless they want to speak over us on the topic of our safety 🤍. We don’t hate you, anymore than Americans “hate” Canadians: not at all, just politically weaponized in the media right now.
As for the obtuse comments, You really wrote a beautiful article to demonstrate what that is like from the other point of view. Will be showing to my friends if anything like this ever comes up in conversation. 🤍
Incredible write up thank you for sharing ❤️ 🌹🌈
I feel like it’s not for trans women to decide whether or not they have male privilege. Just like men can’t decide if there is a patriarchy
Ok. Though in thinking about how to respond to your comment, I realized that there's a lack of clarity in what you're saying. As in, I don't know how to accurately interpret your comment. Notably, the words "decide" and "have" are fairly ambiguous in what they mean in this context.
Do I interpret your comment as meaning that you believe trans women possess a capability of choosing whether or not society bestows the benefits of privilege on them? If so, no, I don't agree with that at all. The benefits of privilege, as explained in the article, come from how *other people* treat members of a privileged class. The privileged person themselves is not involved in that; they simply receive whatever benefits they're given.
Do I interpret your comment as meaning that trans women are somehow in a position of controlling how the benefits of male privilege are distributed? That is, who gets them and who doesn't? I don't *think* this is what you're saying, but it's a plausible interpretation. Again, I would disagree that trans women have any kind of power over the distribution of male privilege.
Or (as I think is most likely), do I interpret your comment as meaning that you believe trans women can't or shouldn't be the ones to assess whether they receive the benefits of male privilege? If so, I also disagree with that. Firstly, there's nothing stopping anyone--of any gender identity or gender expression--from exercising a little bit of perspective about their lives and assessing whether their experiences in certain situations have been more beneficial than other people's for reasons best explained by privilege. There's nothing special about viewing one's life in that way, and trans women should be as capable of that as anybody else.
Secondly, I'd argue that trans women are the only ones who can actually make this assessment. The dichotomy the article points out is that a) when people assert that "trans women have male privilege" they are inevitably assuming that the *experience* of that privilege is identical to the experience cis men have, while b) the actual experience trans women have is vastly different on account of the dysphoria cost we pay while presenting male.
These are very different experiences, and trans women are the only ones in a position to evaluate this difference because we're the ones who suffer from gender dysphoria *and* sometimes receive the benefits of male privilege. As such, we're the only ones who are in any position to assess how the benefits of male privilege compare with the cost of gender dysphoria. We're the only ones who are able to recognize just exactly how much shittier of a deal male privilege dynamics are for us than for cis men.
Either way, thank you for your comment. It's thought provoking, and I appreciate that. If I have somehow not read the tea leaves correctly on what you were trying to assert, please feel free to rephrase in a less ambiguous way.
This is really well written. I think i disagree with you on the nature of privilege, in that i don't think privilege is ever free. There is always a cost. As a trans man who transitioned into manhood, and has observed my male friends and family members, I believe that every man has to pay a price for their male privilege. Sometimes they don't even realize that they're paying it. If paying a price for the material benefits of boyhood and manhood means it's not privilege, then no cis man has male privilege. In my opinion, at least. But your article revealed to me why I see this miscommunication about privilege between the trans women and the (cis and trans) afab people i know, so that was very useful to me.
All that being said, trans women do obviously lose the vast majority of the material benefits of male privilege when they transition (I think the only exception is the freedom from fear of pregnancy). So it really is a silly argument for people to use to attack trans women.
I really appreciate what you said about the cost trans women have had to pay, regardless of any perceived male privilege. It’s such an important and often overlooked point.
I've often balked at arguments that trans women don't have male privilege before coming out, but this is one of the better arguments I've seen. Framing the question in terms of emotional cost is a really good way of staking out some nuance in a debate that's often framed as a "yes or no" issue. I think we could go deeper here. Negative reinforcement of male gender norms is pervasive in male youth, for cis and trans AMABs alike. A lot of cis boys and men (maybe a minority, but a sizable one) feel conflicted about the social demands and deprivations of masculinity without also wanting to be girls and women, and they should be included, I think, as paying a higher cost for male privilege, albeit not as high of a cost as transfeminine people.
Also, I want to add that although the experience of male privilege is far more riddled with conflict for trans women than for most cis men, that doesn't necessarily prevent us from internalizing patriarchal perspectives from the male point of view. Growing up, we, by definition, identify more strongly with girls and women, but we rarely do so with the same social reinforcement that cis girls get. We remain outsiders, aliens. I often jokingly compare the experience to being raised by wolves. I think we can focus on the pain of this experience at the expense of taking stock of how much of the male point of view we did end up adopting, in spite of ourselves, because it was pretty much the only thing on offer. This isn't our fault, and it's going to vary from person to person, but it is our responsibility to reconcile.
It's also not entirely a bad thing. Trans women can smuggle a lot of virtues into womanhood that cis women are discouraged from cultivating, as well as skills that cis women are often barred from learning. By the act of transition, we re-code these virtues and skills as feminine, transmuting male privilege into female empowerment. And that's pretty neat :)
I really loved this article. As a trans guy, the line "privilege isn't privilege if it isn't free," is going to be sitting with me for a long time.